Narcissism & Narcissistic Behavior

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

WHAT IS A NARCISSIST?

To begin, it is crucial to understand that narcissism is a personality disorder that is frequently associated with other personality disorders (bipolar, Borderline, Psychopathy, etc.).

According to the Mayo Clinic “narcissistic personality disorder is a psychiatric disorder in which individuals have an exaggerated sense of their own value, a strong need for attention and admiration, problematic relationships, and a lack of empathy for others,”

Behind their outward confidence and grandeur is a fragile sense of self-worth. They present themselves as flawless because they are frightened of being judged as flawed in any way. Because narcissists’ self-esteem is so fragile, they are sensitive to even minor criticism.

Divorcing a narcissist is typically unpleasant, costly, and draining because of all of this. Narcissists refuse to believe that the standard divorce rules apply to them.

COMMON SIGNS THAT SOMEONE STRUGGLES WITH THIS PERSONALITY DISORDER OR NARCISSISTIC TENDENCIES:

A grandiose sense of self-importance
An overblown sense of entitlement
Exhibiting manipulative or gaslighting behaviors
Exaggerating their accomplishments

A grandiose sense of self-importance
An overblown sense of entitlement
Exhibiting manipulative or gaslighting behaviors
Exaggerating their accomplishments
Taking advantage of or exploiting others
Refusing to recognize or empathize with the feelings of others
Refusing to take responsibility for their actions

Taking advantage of or exploiting others
Refusing to recognize or empathize with the feelings of others
Refusing to take responsibility for their actions

HOW A NARCISSIST MAY REACT TO DIVORCE:

Narcissists are known for fighting hard and viewing divorce as a competition they must win. Bullying, exploitative conduct, and a refusal to engage sensibly can all come from this combative mentality. When they feel they are “losing” or not getting their way, narcissists have been known to turn to abusive behaviour.

During a divorce, it is not uncommon for a narcissist to:

Refuse to provide any financial documents
Refuse to collaborate with you and your legal counsel.
Be bitter in your actions
Accuse others of bad behaviour or acts.
Obstruction or disobedience of court orders

SUCCESSFULLY DEALING WITH NARCISSISTS DURING DIVORCE

While there is no one-size-fits-all technique to dealing with narcissists during the divorce process, there are several broad approaches, tactics, and strategies to consider:

DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT

When it comes to what they say, narcissists are typically charming and convincing. The documents clearly speak for themselves (and what a Court will base its decision on). To fight a “he said – she said” situation, gather as much documentary evidence as possible (emails, texts, financial information).

NEGOTIATE OR MEDIATE AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE

Narcissists want to win, not settle. So, unless binding mediation / arbitration is used, negotiations or mediation are pointless and a waste of emotional and financial resources. It is wiser to dedicate those resources to court action.

MOVE THE PROCEDURE ALONG

Narcissists prefer to prolong the Court process (to maintain their power and control), not shorten it. Don’t prolong your relationship with a narcissist; instead, move the Court process along as rapidly as possible so you may get away from the narcissist.

STAY STRONG

Narcissists in the divorce process are unconcerned about others (including their own children) – try to stay on the ‘high road’ and avoid getting dragged into the ‘game’; attempt to separate your feelings for your ex-spouse from the facts. This could include enlisting the help of a support group (i.e., family, coaches, therapists, etc.). Many people emerge through the Court process stronger and more self-assured than they were in their prior partnership, which lasted many years.

HOW CAN NUSSBAUM FAMILY LAW HELP?

At Nussbaum Law, we understand how frightening the idea of a contentious, lengthy divorce is. You do not, have to go through it alone. In and out of court, having a good legal team on your side can make a tremendous difference. A skilled lawyer can help you feel more confident while fighting for your rights in court, in addition to giving you with the legal support you need to protect yourself and your children.

Our lawyers understand how a narcissist’s mind operates and how to follow their rules to get the greatest divorce settlements. You can also get legal advice from a family law professional when it comes to divorcing a narcissistic spouse.

The right lawyer understands a narcissist’s court and legal techniques, as well as how their mind operates and how to see through their harmful intentions. Negotiating a divorce settlement with a narcissist might be much easier with the right lawyer on your side than without one.

Do not let gaslighting and manipulation affect your divorce. We can help you learn your right and protect yourself. Safeguard your future and get in touch to schedule your initial consultation with a trusted family law attorney. Call us today.

How Narcissists Destroy Families

Learn more about Narcissists and narcissistic behavior can be spotted and what to do if you find yourself in such a family situation including family law options in the infographic below.

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Studies show ~1% of the population are officially diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. But there are far more people who go undiagnosed — and a 1 in 2 chance there’s one in your household

Everyone Has a Little Narcissism. But Some People Exhibit More Than Others.

Narcissism: Self-centered personality traits, often at the expense of others
- Such as:
  - Entitlement
  - Superiority complex
  - Arrogance or haughtiness
  - Lack of empathy and concern
- Traits everyone has to some degree or the other
- Part of the Dark Tetrad (personality model)
  - Narcissism → Psychopathy → Machiavellianism → Sadism
Excessive narcissistic traits may indicate NPD
- NPD: “a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance” (Mayo Clinic)
Types of narcissists
- Grandiose: Often textbook examples of charisma and particularly successful
- Vulnerable: Victimization mindset and often angry and sullen
- Malignant: Most severe form of narcissism in relationships with manipulation, lack of empathy, and vengefulness
- Communal: Gets narcissistic praise by doing good deeds, not because the deed brings inherent value
- Dark empath: Scores high for dark traits but has above-average emotional intelligence, making them easier to ‘blend in’
  - As many as 1 in 5 people may be a dark empath
Only ~1% of people are ever diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder
- But some experts, including Dr. Ramani Suryakantham Durvasula, believe 15-20% of the population may have NPD and will never be diagnosed
This means ~1 in 6 people may have NPD
- Nearly 1 in every other household

Narcissists cut families into pieces to make themselves feel whole.

Narcissists Destroy Families From the Inside Out

Narcissistic family structures share many similar traits:
- Poor communication
- No clear boundaries
- Control issues
- Unhealthy competition
- Keeping secrets
These can lead to long-term effects on children, spouses, and other members of the household:
- Distrust
- Self-loathing
- Low self-esteem
- Guilt when caring for needs
- Food addiction and substance abuse
- Higher risk of children developing NPD
Know the signs:
- Gaslighting: “I never said that. You’re imagining things.”
- Blame-shifting: “It’s your fault I reacted this way.”
- Triangulation: “Even they agree you’re wrong.”
- Playing the victim: “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
- Exaggerating achievements: “I’m the best at this, no one even comes close.”
- Minimizing others’ feelings: “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.”
- Taking credit for your effort: “This worked because of me.”
Other signs:
- Using charm for manipulation
  - Leaning into flattery or charisma to get what they want
- Love-bombing
  - Overwhelming affection early, then withdrawing it
- Silent treatment
  - Ignoring someone to punish or control them
“People can take themselves back from a narcissistic relationship. With education, you can slowly but surely start coming back into your authentic self.” — Dr. Ramani Suryakantham Durvasula

Does someone you know check the boxes of NPD? It might be time to consider an escape plan.

How to Safely Escape a Narcissist

Start planning
- Only plan while the Narcissist is away
- Make arrangements for your safety
  - Money
    - Move or save money in a separate account slowly over time
  - Financial documents
    - Print copies of important financial documents
    - Make a new will
    - Get rid of bills not in your own name
  - Contact info
    - Create new:
      1. Email addresses
      2. Phone numbers
      3. Passwords
- Get professional support from a family lawyer
  - Begin planning for life during and after separation from the narcissist:
    - Divorce and Separation
    - Child Support
    - Child Protection
    - Child Custody
    - Spousal Support
    - Division of Property
    - Divorce Debt
    - Domestic Violence
    - Wills & Estates
Go slow
- Move money, items, and personal belongings to a safe place
  - Be sure the Narcissist is unaware of this location
- Keep a diary of incidents and supporting evidence
  - Physical evidence
  - Diaries
  - Witness accounts
  - Expert evidence
    - This may be helpful in restraining orders or divorce cases later
- Continue normal activities
  - Do not alert the Narcissist to upcoming changes
  - But plan for dangerous situations just in case
    - Keep a suitcase with important documents and essentials in the trunk of your car or somewhere discreet and accessible
Take action
- Let family members know the date or time of your planned separation date
- If it is NOT safe to remain in the home
  - Leave and take others with you while the Narcissist is out
    - Children
    - Pets
    - Other family members
  - Contact the authorities if you don’t feel safe to leave on your own
    - They may provide an escort as you leave the house
  - Keep an eye out for dangerous stalking behavior
    - Turn off location sharing on your phone
    - Avoid social media
    - Avoid typical routines (like taking a different route home from work)
- If it IS safe to remain in the home
  - Communicate your separation with the help of a trusted friend
    - Disarming strategies while communicating with narcissists
      1. Brutal honesty
      2. Pushing back
      3. Taking back control

Once you have escaped, take every precaution to keep it that way
- Keep your distance or eliminate contact
- Make communication Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (BIFF)
- Continue collecting evidence and information if working with authorities or legal advice

Narcissism isn’t curable. But people can heal. Separate safely from an NPD spouse at nussbaumlaw.ca