What to Do Before Telling Your Spouse You Want a Divorce: A Comprehensive Guide

Look, figuring out what to do before telling your spouse you want a divorce is probably one of the hardest situations you’ll ever face. We’ve been helping families in the Greater Toronto Area navigate this exact moment since 2013, and here’s what we’ve learned: most people wing it. Big mistake.

Here’s the thing that drives us crazy. We get calls from people who had “the conversation” without any preparation, and now they’re dealing with frozen bank accounts, missing documents, and kids who are completely traumatized. Could’ve been avoided.

The reality? When you’re prepared, you’re in control. When you’re not, you’re just hoping for the best.

Key Takeaways

After handling thousands of these cases, here’s what we always tell our clients to do first:

• Get your documents organized before anything else – We’ve had clients lose tens of thousands because they couldn’t prove what they owned
• Know your real financial picture – Not just the joint checking account, but everything (yes, even that RRSP you forgot about)
• Talk to us or another family lawyer first – One consultation can save you years of headaches and legal fees
• Think through your kids’ needs – Have a plan, but don’t make it final without their other parent’s input
• Protect your privacy immediately – Set up that separate email account today, not tomorrow when it’s too late
• Build your support team now – You’ll need people who have your back when things get messy
• Have an exit strategy ready – Sometimes you need to leave the same day you have the conversation

We’re not trying to scare you. We’re trying to prepare you.

According to Statista, 40,000 people got divorced in Canada in 2022. At Nussbaum Law, we’ve been guiding Greater Toronto Area families through this process for more than a decade now. Honestly, the families who prepare properly? They get through this. The ones who don’t? Well, that’s why they call us in crisis mode.

What Should I Know About Child Custody Before Telling My Spouse I Want a Divorce?

Here’s what breaks our hearts: parents who think they can figure out custody arrangements on the fly. Look, we get it. You’re already overwhelmed, and now you have to think about custody laws? But here’s the reality, when you know your rights and options beforehand, you protect your kids from unnecessary chaos.

Whether you’re planning to tell your husband you want a divorce or you’re preparing to tell your wife about wanting a separation, understanding custody comes first. We’ve seen too many cases where one parent gets blindsided during separation because they didn’t understand how custody works in Canada. Don’t let that be you.

Understanding Canadian Child Custody Laws

First things first, forget everything you’ve seen in American movies. Canadian custody law is different, and honestly, it’s more focused on what’s actually best for your kids.

When you’re ready to tell your spouse you want a divorce, knowing these basics helps you sound prepared, not panicked:

Key things to know about Canadian custody law:

• Decision-making responsibility = who makes major life decisions (school, healthcare, religion)
• Parenting time = when your child physically stays with each parent
• Courts assume both parents should be involved unless there’s a compelling reason otherwise
• Stability matters most = existing routines and living arrangements carry weight
• Best interests of the child = the only thing that actually matters to the judge

You can read the full Children’s Law Reform Act if you want the legal details, but honestly, most people find it pretty dry.

Here’s what we always tell our clients: the court assumes both parents should have meaningful time with their children. They’re not looking to pick winners and losers, they’re looking for what works for your specific family situation.

How to Prepare for Divorce in Canada: The Custody Planning Steps

Before you tell your spouse you want a divorce, think through these questions (but don’t stress about having perfect answers):

Where will the kids live primarily? Consider school districts, proximity to activities, and which parent has been the primary caregiver. We’ve seen parents move across the city without thinking about their kids’ school commute. Not smart.

What’s your current parenting dynamic? Who handles what? Doctor appointments, homework, bedtime routines? The courts want to maintain stability, so they look at existing patterns.

How will you handle holidays and special occasions? Christmas, birthdays, March break, these become negotiation points. Having preliminary thoughts shows you’re thinking about your kids’ well-being, not just your own.

Want to dive deeper? Check out our complete guide on understanding child custody in Ontario. It covers everything from decision-making responsibility to parenting time arrangements.

If you need immediate help with a custody matter, our child custody legal services team can walk you through your specific situation.

Red Flags to Watch For During Separation

Here’s something that makes us furious: parents who use kids as weapons. We’ve seen it happen, and it’s devastating for everyone involved.

Watch for these warning signs:

• Your spouse suddenly limiting your time with the kids
• Threats about “never seeing the children again”
• Using the kids to pass messages between parents
• Badmouthing you in front of the children

If you see any of these behaviors, document everything. Dates, times, what was said—keep detailed records. We’ve used these records to protect our clients’ parental rights in court.

The bottom line? Kids don’t choose their parents’ divorce. They deserve to maintain loving relationships with both parents whenever possible.

How to Talk to Your Children About Divorce

Here’s what we’ve learned from our clients: there’s no perfect way to tell your kids about divorce, but there are definitely wrong ways. We’ve seen parents who handled this conversation beautifully, and others who… well, let’s just say the kids ended up in therapy.

The key is matching your approach to your child’s age and emotional maturity.

For toddlers (1-3 years): Keep it simple. They won’t understand “divorce,” but they’ll understand changes. Try: “Mommy and Daddy are going to live in different houses, but we both love you very much.” Don’t over-explain. Their attention span can’t handle it anyway.

For preschoolers (4-6 years): They might blame themselves. We’ve seen this countless times. Be direct: “This is not your fault. Sometimes grown-ups can’t live together anymore, but we’ll always be your parents.” Reassure them about the practical stuff, where they’ll sleep, who will pick them up from daycare.

For school-age children (7-12 years): They’ll have questions. Lots of them. Be honest but age-appropriate. “We’ve tried to work things out, but we can’t. We’re getting divorced.” Avoid details about why. They don’t need to know about your spouse’s affair or financial problems.

For teenagers (13-18 years): They’ll probably see it coming. They might be angry, sad, or even relieved. Let them express their feelings. “We know this is hard. You can ask us questions, but you don’t have to pick sides.” Some teens will want to live with one parent full-time, be prepared for that conversation.

What NOT to do:

• Don’t bad-mouth your spouse in front of the kids
• Don’t use them as messengers between parents
• Don’t promise things you can’t deliver (“We’ll still be a family”)
• Don’t dump your emotional baggage on them

Remember: this conversation isn’t a one-time thing. Kids will have questions as they process what’s happening. Be prepared to have follow-up conversations.

How Should I Prepare Legally and Financially Before Filing for Divorce?

If you’re thinking “I want a divorce, what do I do first?” you’ve come to the right place. This is exactly what to do before telling your spouse you want a divorce: get your legal and financial house in order.

We’ve seen people lose their shirts because they didn’t handle this part properly. And honestly? It’s not that complicated, you just need to be thorough.

Look, we get it. You’re emotionally drained, and now we’re asking you to think about paperwork and money. But here’s the thing: the spouse who’s prepared wins. Not because they’re smarter, but because they did their homework.

Essential Documents You Need to Gather Now

Before you even think about having that conversation, you need to become a document detective. We’ve had clients who couldn’t prove they owned half their assets because they didn’t have the right papers. Don’t be that person.

Financial documents to collect:

• Bank statements (joint and individual accounts, last 3 years)
• Tax returns (personal and business, last 3 years minimum)
• Investment account statements (RRSPs, TFSAs, pensions, stocks)
• Insurance policies (life, disability, home, auto)
• Property deeds and mortgage statements
• Business financial records (if either spouse owns a business)
• Credit card statements and loan documents

Personal documents to secure:

• Birth certificates (yours and the kids)
• Passports and citizenship documents
• Marriage certificate
• Wills and powers of attorney
• Social insurance cards

Here’s what we tell our clients: make copies of everything and store them somewhere safe. Not in your house where your spouse can find them. A safety deposit box, your parents’ house, or a secure cloud storage account that only you can access.

When to Consult with a Family Lawyer (Spoiler: It’s Earlier Than You Think)

We’re obviously biased here, but we’ve seen too many people try to go it alone and mess things up. Part of knowing how to tell your spouse you want a divorce is understanding your legal position first. Even if you think you’ll have an amicable divorce, you need to know your rights.

You should talk to a lawyer before you tell your spouse you want a divorce if:

• You have significant assets (house, investments, business)
• There are children involved
• One spouse makes significantly more money than the other
• You suspect your spouse might hide assets
• There’s any history of domestic violence
• You’re not sure what you’re entitled to under Canadian law

“But won’t hiring a lawyer make things more adversarial?” This is what people ask us all the time. Here’s the truth: knowledge protects you. Understanding your rights doesn’t make you combative; it makes you prepared.

We’ve had clients who came to us for just one consultation and walked away with enough knowledge to handle their own divorce. Others needed full representation. The point is, you can’t make good decisions without good information.

Understanding Canadian Divorce Law and Your Rights

Let’s clear up some confusion about how divorce actually works in Canada. Forget what you’ve seen on TV; here’s what you need to know.

Canada operates under “no-fault” divorce law. This means you don’t need to prove your spouse did anything wrong. You just need to show the marriage has broken down. There are three ways to prove this:

• Separation for one year (most common)
• Adultery (but you need proof)
• Physical or mental cruelty (also needs proof)

For property division in Ontario, we follow the “equalization” principle. Basically, both spouses are entitled to half the value of everything acquired during the marriage. But here’s where it gets tricky:

• Property owned before marriage usually stays with the original owner
• Gifts and inheritances during marriage typically aren’t shared
• The matrimonial home is treated differently (even if one spouse owned it before marriage)

For child support, Canada has federal guidelines that determine how much support is paid based on income and custody arrangements. It’s not negotiable; it’s calculated using a formula.

For spousal support, it depends on factors like length of marriage, income differences, and whether one spouse gave up career opportunities for the family. If you think you might be entitled to spousal support (or might have to pay it), our spousal support legal services can help you understand your specific situation.

Financial Planning: How to Prepare for Divorce Costs in Canada

Nobody talks about this part enough: divorce costs money. Sometimes a lot of money. We’ve seen people spend their kids’ college funds on legal fees because they didn’t plan properly.

Here’s what divorce typically costs in Canada:

• Uncontested divorce (DIY): $600 to $1,500
• Uncontested divorce with lawyer: $1,500 to $3,000
• Contested divorce: $15,000 to $50,000+ per spouse

Start saving now. Open a separate account (in your name only) and begin setting aside money for:

• Legal fees
• Court costs
• Temporary housing expenses
• Moving costs
• Therapy or counseling

If money is tight, you have options:

• Many lawyers offer payment plans
• Legal aid might be available (income-dependent)
• Some initial consultations are free
• Mediation costs less than litigation

The key is to start thinking about this stuff now, not when you’re in the middle of the process and bleeding money. When you’re ready to tell your husband you want a divorce or preparing to tell your wife about wanting a separation, having your financial ducks in a row gives you options and peace of mind.

Remember: this isn’t about being sneaky or planning to screw over your spouse. It’s about protecting yourself and your children’s future. There’s nothing wrong with being prepared.

How Can I Emotionally Prepare to Tell My Spouse I Want a Divorce?

Here’s what nobody tells you: the legal stuff is actually the easy part. It’s the emotional preparation that trips people up. We’ve seen clients who had all their documents in order, knew their rights, and still completely fell apart during the conversation.

Look, we’re lawyers, not therapists. But after helping families through this since 2013, we’ve learned that emotional preparation is just as important as legal preparation. Maybe more important.

The reality is this: when you tell your husband you want a divorce or finally tell your wife you want a separation, you’re not just having a conversation. You’re detonating a bomb in the middle of your life. The question is: are you going to be ready for the explosion?

Building Your Emotional Support Network

First things first: you can’t do this alone. We’ve seen too many people try to handle divorce in isolation, and it never ends well. You need people in your corner who actually understand what you’re going through.

Your support team should include:

At least one close friend or family member who knows your situation and has your back. Not someone who’s going to try to talk you out of it or play devil’s advocate. Someone who will listen when you need to vent at 2 AM.

A therapist or counselor who specializes in divorce and family issues. Look, we get it. The stigma around therapy is real. But here’s what we tell our clients: you wouldn’t try to fix your own plumbing, so don’t try to fix your own head. Professional help isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity.

Other people who’ve been through divorce (but choose wisely). Some divorced friends will give you great advice. Others will project their own baggage onto your situation. You want the ones who came through divorce stronger, not bitter.

What NOT to do: Don’t make your kids your confidants. Don’t vent to mutual friends who will gossip. Don’t seek advice from people who’ve never been through what you’re going through.

We always recommend our clients start building this network before they have the conversation. Why? Because once you tell your spouse you want a divorce, everything changes. You’ll need support immediately, not next week when you finally work up the courage to ask for help.

Should You Consider Marriage Counseling Before Filing for Divorce?

“Shouldn’t we try counseling first?” This is probably the most common question we get. Here’s our honest take: it depends.

Marriage counseling might be worth trying if:

• You’re not 100% sure you want a divorce
• There are specific issues that might be fixable
• Both of you are willing to put in genuine effort
• There’s no abuse or manipulation in the relationship
• You want to be able to tell yourself (and your kids) that you tried everything

But here’s the thing: you don’t need your spouse’s permission to go to counseling alone. Individual therapy can help you figure out what you actually want and prepare you for whatever comes next. The Canadian Association for Marriage and Family Therapy has a directory of qualified professionals if you need help finding someone.

Marriage counseling is probably a waste of time if:

• You’re already mentally checked out
• There’s been infidelity and the trust is completely broken
• Your spouse refuses to acknowledge any problems
• You’re only doing it to make yourself feel better about leaving

We’ve had clients who went to marriage counseling and realized they definitely wanted a divorce. We’ve had others who worked things out and stayed together. The point is, counseling can give you clarity about what you really want.

A word of caution: Don’t use marriage counseling as a way to avoid making hard decisions. If you’re just going through the motions, you’re wasting everyone’s time and money.

Taking a Strategic “Timeout” Before Making Your Final Decision

Sometimes you need space to think clearly. We call this a “strategic timeout,” and it’s different from just avoiding the problem.

A strategic timeout means:

• Taking physical space from your spouse for a set period
• Using that time to get your thoughts together
• Seeking professional help to process your feelings
• Making a decision based on clarity, not emotion

This isn’t about punishing your spouse or being dramatic. It’s about getting the mental space you need to make one of the biggest decisions of your life.

How to handle a timeout:

• Be honest about why you need space
• Set a realistic timeframe (2 weeks to 2 months, not indefinite)
• Use the time productively (therapy, self-reflection, planning)
• Don’t use it as a manipulation tactic

We’ve seen timeouts work both ways. Some couples use the space to work on their issues and get back together. Others use it to realize they’re better apart. Either way, it’s better than making a decision when you’re emotionally overwhelmed.

How to Practice the Divorce Conversation

Okay, this is going to sound weird, but hear us out: you need to practice this conversation. We’ve seen people spend months preparing legally and financially, then blow everything because they didn’t think about what they were actually going to say.

Here’s how to prepare:

Write down your key points. Not a script, but the main things you need to communicate. Something like: “I’ve been unhappy for a long time. I’ve tried to work on our marriage, but I don’t think we’re compatible anymore. I want to get divorced.”

Practice with someone you trust. Your therapist, a close friend, or a family member. Have them ask you the hard questions your spouse might ask. Practice staying calm and sticking to your main points.

Prepare for common reactions:

• “Is there someone else?” (Be honest, but don’t get defensive)
• “What about the kids?” (You’ve thought about this; share your preliminary thoughts)
• “Can we try counseling?” (Have an answer ready)
• “I’ll change!” (Don’t make promises you can’t keep)

Think about logistics:

• Where will you have this conversation? (Private, neutral space)
• When? (Not right before work, not when the kids are around)
• How will you handle it if things get emotional or heated?

What NOT to do:

• Don’t ambush them with divorce papers
• Don’t have this conversation when you’re angry
• Don’t make it about blame and fault
• Don’t expect them to react rationally

Remember: your spouse might need time to process this. They might not have been thinking about divorce at all. Give them space to react, but don’t let them talk you out of a decision you’ve already made.

The goal isn’t to win an argument. It’s to communicate clearly and compassionately that your marriage is over. That’s hard enough without winging it.

What Practical Steps Should I Take to Protect Myself During Separation?

Now we’re getting into the nitty-gritty stuff that nobody thinks about until it’s too late. These are the practical, everyday things that can make the difference between a smooth separation and a complete disaster.

We’ve had clients who nailed the emotional preparation and legal stuff, then got blindsided by basic practical issues. Don’t let logistics derail your divborce.

Securing Your Living Situation

Let’s be blunt: you might need to leave your house the same day you tell your spouse you want a divorce. Not because you’re legally required to, but because staying might not be safe or practical.

Before you have the conversation, figure out where you’ll go:

Short-term options (first few weeks):

• A trusted friend or family member’s place
• Extended stay hotel or Airbnb
• Furnished apartment with month-to-month lease

Medium-term housing (first few months):

• Rental apartment or house
• Staying with family temporarily
• Keeping the matrimonial home (if your spouse agrees to leave)

Here’s what we tell our clients: Don’t assume you can just stay in the house. In Ontario, both spouses have equal rights to the matrimonial home, but that doesn’t mean cohabitation will work once you’ve dropped the divorce bomb.

Practical considerations:

• Can you afford rent on your own income?
• Do you need to be close to your kids’ schools?
• What about your work commute?
• Will you need furniture and household items?

A word of caution: If you leave the matrimonial home, it doesn’t mean you’re giving up your rights to it. But moving out can complicate things, especially if there are kids involved. This is why talking to a lawyer beforehand is so important.

Protecting Your Privacy and Digital Security

This is the stuff people forget about until their spouse is reading their emails or tracking their phone. Digital privacy becomes crucial when you’re preparing to tell your spouse you want a separation.

Set up separate digital accounts immediately: Create a new email address that only you know about. Use this for communication with your lawyer, job searching (if needed), apartment hunting, and any divorce-related correspondence.

Next, review your shared accounts. Change passwords on your personal accounts, set up separate banking logins, and create your own Amazon, Netflix, etc. accounts. Check if your phone location is being shared with your spouse.

Protect your devices: Clear browser history after researching divorce topics, use private/incognito browsing, and don’t save passwords on shared computers. Consider getting a separate phone if things get complicated.

For social media, don’t post about your marriage problems or badmouth your spouse online. Be careful about photos that show you’re doing fine (this can affect spousal support claims). Consider taking a social media break altogether during this time.

Document everything digitally: Take photos of important documents, save financial records to a secure cloud account, and keep a detailed journal of interactions with your spouse. Screenshot any threatening texts or emails.

Look, this might feel like spy-level stuff, but we’ve seen too many cases where lack of digital privacy created problems. Your spouse doesn’t need to know you’re researching divorce lawyers or looking at apartments.

Managing Your Personal Belongings and Assets

Here’s something that sounds petty but causes huge fights: who gets what stuff. We’re not talking about major assets here (that’s handled through property division), but your personal belongings, sentimental items, and day-to-day necessities.

Before you tell your spouse you want a divorce, make a mental inventory. Items that are definitely yours include clothing and personal items, anything you owned before marriage, gifts given specifically to you, professional tools or equipment, and personal electronics (if you paid for them).

Items that might be disputed include wedding gifts, furniture purchased together, artwork or collectibles, kitchen appliances and household items, and items with sentimental value to both of you. Items that are clearly shared include joint purchases during marriage, children’s belongings, and household necessities.

Our advice: Don’t try to take everything the day you move out. That looks vindictive and can hurt you later. But do take:

• Essential clothing and toiletries
• Important documents
• Sentimental items that can’t be replaced
• Work-related materials
• Basic necessities for wherever you’re staying

What to do about the rest: Make a list of items you want, be prepared to negotiate, focus on what actually matters to you, and don’t fight over stuff just to be spiteful.

A reality check: You’re about to spend thousands on legal fees. Don’t blow your budget fighting over a coffee maker. Pick your battles wisely.

Keep detailed records with photo inventory of valuable items, receipts for major purchases, documentation of who bought what, and appraisals for valuable items. The key is being strategic, not emotional. Yes, it’s your grandmother’s china set. But is it worth $2,000 in legal fees to fight for it? Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it’s not.

Creating Your Action Timeline

You’ve done the preparation work. Now you need a realistic timeline for actually telling your spouse you want a divorce and what happens next.

One week before the conversation:

• Confirm your temporary living arrangements
• Gather all important documents
• Have cash available for immediate expenses
• Prepare emotionally and practice what you’ll say

The day of the conversation:

• Choose the right time and place
• Stay calm and stick to your key points
• Be prepared for any reaction
• Have your exit strategy ready if needed

Immediately after:

• Give your spouse space to process
• Contact your support network
• Begin looking for permanent housing
• Start the legal process if you haven’t already

First month:

• File for divorce (if ready)
• Establish temporary custody and support arrangements
• Set up separate finances
• Begin dividing household responsibilities

Remember: there’s no perfect time for this conversation. But with proper preparation, you can minimize the chaos and protect yourself and your family during this difficult transition.

The bottom line? When you’re ready to tell your spouse you want a divorce, having these practical details handled means you can focus on what really matters: moving forward with your life.

The Hardest Conversations Require the Most Preparation

We have covered a lot of ground here, and if you’ve made it this far, you’re already ahead of most people facing this decision. If you’ve been thinking “I want a divorce, what do I do?” you now have a clear roadmap.

Learning how to tell your spouse you want a divorce isn’t just about the words you’ll say. What to do before telling your spouse you want a divorce is about protecting everyone involved while giving yourself the best possible foundation for whatever comes next.

The families who come to us in crisis? They’re the ones who skipped these steps. They’re dealing with frozen bank accounts, emergency custody motions, and kids who are completely traumatized because nobody prepared them for what was happening.

You’re not going to be one of those families. You’re going to be prepared.

Reading about divorce preparation and actually going through it are two very different experiences. Even with all this knowledge, you’re going to have questions. Situations will come up that you didn’t anticipate. Your spouse might react in ways you didn’t expect.

Ready to Move Forward? We Can Help

At Nussbaum Law, we’ve been helping Greater Toronto Area families navigate this exact process since 2013. We know what works, what doesn’t, and what mistakes to avoid. More importantly, we know how to protect your interests while minimizing the chaos for your family.

Contact us for a consultation. We’ll review your specific situation, answer your questions, and help you create a plan that works for your family. How to prepare for divorce in Canada starts with understanding your rights and options, and we can guide you through every step.

The conversation you’ve been avoiding is going to happen eventually. The only question is whether you’ll be prepared when it does.

Don’t wait until you’re in crisis mode. Take control of your situation now, while you still can.